you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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