Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
