Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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