You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
