When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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