So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
whose parrot is this?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Randomize
