Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize