I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The power of my boobs compel you
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
