Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There's always time for handjobs
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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