My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
