So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
