Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
