we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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