Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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