Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I am available for nakedness
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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