you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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