Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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