someone threw a dead crab at me
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
His hands were made for my vagina.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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