I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
