so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
