I met the friendliest cop last night
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize