its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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