just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
