Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
