when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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