my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
