I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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