We won't sleep together?
i think my tv is drunk
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
