Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
