Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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