Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
