WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
