I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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