What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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