I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
