What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
