My liver just broke up with me...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
