when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
