We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
