just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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