I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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