everyone is single if you try hard enough
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
