my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
