wanna go halves on a baby?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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