My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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