Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
