This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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