i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We have started to decorate penises.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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