you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I look better un-naked...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
3 2 1 whiskey
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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