No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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