Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
