i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
