i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
