hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
