The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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