all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize