i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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