you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
