Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She needs sedatives and a leash
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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