After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
