At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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