Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize