Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
