My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
