Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You pole danced in your parka.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
