did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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