So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
